Monday, May 7

worthy of note | i built a home for you

But first darling, push play.

It's 12:40. I told myself I'd be to bed so much earlier than this.
I need to go to yoga in the morning. I need to plan the meals this week.
I need to email so and so back and send the contract and bill the card and mail the box and make the album...s....

But here I am. Trying to learn how to be a little more patient with myself. A little more forgiving.

See this guy on the right here?

...hold on as tightly as you held onto me...

This is the man I love. It doesn't really matter how I view myself or what I am doing or not doing, making or falling short in my own mind. There he is. As steady as the tide...

Maybe you know. Or maybe you don't. We want a child but haven't been blessed with one. It is one of the hardest journeys I have ever encountered in my life. I never envisioned this path for me... for us...

But this is the place that I call my home. This house,  Johnny & I have built, of love and tears and lessons learned and a path to tread that is ours

...I'm in the garden where we planted those seeds... 

I once bought a book for myself. I don't idolize people but I do love so much of Annie Leibovitz. I bought her autobiography, with the tan cloth cover- for myself- last Mother's Day. I bought it and on the inside cover wrote

"To Myself , 8 May 2011 
All of my subjects are my children. 
The world is but waiting to be loved."

So my story goes.
You are my children. 
I hold up the camera to your beautiful face and I see a life of potential awaiting to be embraced. 
I believe in you. 
I believe in your love. 
I believe in your journey...
because you see, right now you are this gift that I have been given.

So , to my many incredible Lovelies that are holding their new babies as Mother's Day approaches, know I celebrate this victory with you. Maybe you could say a little prayer for me, too, for us. That I might not ask for more than what I need, but can be so thankful in the many many blessings I have been given.

You, Lovely, are one of them.


Anonymous said...

And now I have tears in my eyes. I haven't met you, but I feel like I know a little part of your soul through your pictures and words. I know this, you have a Mother's heart: kind, strong and beautiful.

Sometimes I want to just damn those things that bring us pain. And then I notice that the sorrow has just carved more room for joy in the recesses of my heart. Then I just want to damn myself for resenting it. Would I give up the compassion those experiences have brought me? Somedays, yes. And other days, no.

Lindsey Ramage said...

b e a u t i f u l

Kristen said...

oh Carli! amazing to know what you wrote in the book. you definitely have a mother's heart. your day will come. don't you ever give up hope. faith. and love.