Monday, October 26

Birthing the Words and Pictures of my Heart

[All of the images in this post are from our PHOENIX shoot.]
The live gallery will be premiering in Austin at the Hacienda boutique on Nov 5, 6-8pm.
I would very much love to see you there.

"It's a relief. It feels both good and frightening. Something you've spent a long time creating is now removed and separate from you..."

The anonymous writer penned so very well what I was thinking. Indeed, putting the final touches on the newspaper for the upcoming Phoenix gallery was no different than birthing a baby. (Around 1:44am I hit "submit" on my first printed publication.) The final stages of excruciating pain, of waiting and waiting and waiting for her to crown and then pushing again, feeling exhaustion, but excitement simultaneously, anticipation for what was to come and I didn't really know what was going to come, I just kept pushing through the pain.

Even now, I can't help continuing the metaphor because it does "feel so frightening. Something you've spent a long time creating is now removed and separate from you and you will have to watch it go out into the world on its own. How well it does it not something you can control, and that's scary. I handle this -- every single time I finish a book -- by trying to put it out of my head completely and focusing on the next one."

Wow... I'm still in shock. It was my goal this year to complete one of my writings. It's not even the end of the year and I did it. This feeling.... I haven't felt it ever in my 31 years of living. In fact, writing has been the beating heart to my existence for as long as I can remember, long before I picked up a camera in my teens. I pushed words away, couldn't share them with the world because they were too near and dear to share with anyone. It made me too vulnerable.

Over the last few years, since Emiliana has been born, I realized that everything I feared became everything that made me feel alive. It was always the anticipation that was the buzz kill. Always the leading up to it of "What if I fail? What if I fail so miserably that I face place and don't want to get back up?" And that was the slow turning point for me. After I faced another and another of my biggest fears -- and I didn't die -- it was the highest highs I had ever felt.

Surfing on the north shore of Oahu far out in the open water.
Speaking in front of 60+ people, twice.
Having a baby el naturale without a trace of painkiller in my body.

I realized that in life, I could never be comfortable. I'd never enjoy the luxury of being "just OK" with making pretty pictures. I wanted to make something, write something that moved people so deeply they went from sitting comfortably in their chair to nervously looking around the room wondering "Is anyone else feeling this way too?" because the truth is that everyone else is feeling that way too.

What we think brings us the most comfort in reality only brings us the most discontent. Art, our potential, un-used , un-lived, just festers inside of us, becomes bitterness and resentment. I could feel that, in pushing away these words all of these years, they would haunt me in the middle of the night. We must choose to wake up and decide to face our fears, breathe in life, acknowledge life by living it.

This is the message of PHOENIX, of life rising from the ashes, of the gallery opening. [All of the photos on this blog post are from the Phoenix shoot :) ] Just when I think I've peeled back all of the layers to what the shoot means to me, there's another clue in code.

I hope to see you there Thursday evening, November 5th from 6-8pm at Hacienda off 2nd Street. While I will be so so nervous, the adrenaline from being around those I love (I sure do hope!) shall supersede my fears.

For me, it's my first live gallery of my images and my first publication, of sorts... If that isn't enough fear right there.....

closer to the moon....


Anonymous said...

You are a full of depth & beauty~your art is stunning, thought provoking, nurturing...thank you for sharing it with us. May this be only the beginning, the first of many yet to come.

Anonymous said...

Hello InkedFingers....Don't know what to write, for that would give my ID away....I am your 2nd greatest fan. :>) Very proud to know you, by the way. Great work you are can exceed "the moon" in altitude you know :>) ! All the best on the 5th and ALWAYS! UK