Wednesday, August 10

2016.08.10 Ode to the Shadows and the Sun

I've discovered the power behind anonymity and I crave it more than ever.

Isn't that the end goal, though, why I post online? To get people to read it? To connect?

I remember when Instagram first announced everyone could see everyone's posts and how equally horrified and disappointed I was. I understand it allows people to connect/share that much more, but personally I'm over everyone seeing all of me all of the time. I won't complain any more; no one wants to hear a Grandma-like "I remember when..." but here's my story: I've but told 1 person that I began blogging again. OK, maybe two. If you're meant to meander here, then you'll end up here but I don't like the spotlight. Put me in the dust of someone's feet, preferably someone that knows 10x more than me and loves books so I can learn. I don't mean to complain of something I should be grateful for. It's only too bad it makes the world go round. I'm really trying to understand the purpose now of my getting back on social media and what does it mean to me? I will not do something that isn't me. Am I sounding like a broken record?

I just have to change my storyline then, don't I? That's what Seth says and he's wise. Here, read it in his words HERE.

Also, I think I've been confusing "introverted" for this anonymity. I claim to be introverted but I'm not. I do process things on my own, or rather by myself (a typical introvert), but I'm not shy by any means. I need people. I enjoy talking to strangers and in fact equally need alone time as well as people time. This baffles some but perfectly explains why I've tested multiple times 50/50 ENFJ/INFJ. I am thru and thru half extroverted-half introverted.

I happened upon an old blog of mine (currently unpublished) from back in 2003. I've always had words spilling from my brain I see.

Do I belong in this cave? I don't, forever. But I hope I can have the wisdom to understand what being in the light of day means and when the time comes I can stand there fully and mean what I say.

Do not believe in yourself until the day you die;
do not judge your fellow until you have reached his place;
do not make a statement that cannot be easily understood on the ground that it will be understood eventually;
and do not say 'When I am free I will study,' for perhaps you will not become free.
* -Hillel

A quote from my youth I pulled from that blog, I need to espouse more.
Funny thing I keep coming back to who I was just before I left the house, just before I was stripped of everything that was familiar to me, everything I held dear, everything that gave me promise.

It's late, early, whatever you want to call it. My body is tired but my mind tells me I have much more to download. There is but one life. My daughter sleeps quietly in the room beside me and the tap-tap-tap reminds me that I am indeed a creator, not a consumer. Cheers to walking down one path, no- two, that bring fulfillment.

Cheers to you for stickin around.


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